The ::bleep:: Notebook!
by The Spastic Forkie
Summary: [BASED ON THE BOOK, NOT THE MOVIE!] It's the book everyone loves to hate! Or at least I do... Dun dun dun!


Please don't hate me for writing this— 

Ewan:  I HATE YOU, FORKIE!!!

—But when I read The Notebook, I was extremely disappointed in the style it was written in.  Though the story was very good, the writing was just a travesty.  So this is just poking fun at the way the author threw his poorly chosen words together.

Ewan:  I still hate you, Forkie.

Surprisingly enough, the movie was amazing and nothing like the book.  So if you've read the book and are also displeased, don't be discouraged to see the movie.  It's so much better.

Ewan:  I hate you, Forkie.

I guess this is that .1% of my parodies in which I don't like the original.  But all the same, don't hate me.

Ewan:  I HATE you, Forkie!!!

I don't own any of this doo.  It's Nick Sparks'.

The **&%§$#** Notebook!

By:  GollumRox 

            I stand there and then I say, "Well, I guess I'll go now."

            I'm bored.

            So I'm walking down the hall and all the orderlies are like "Hi!" but when I pass them I hear them going "What a freak."  They think I can't hear them but I know.

            I know.

            I know.

            I know, dammit!

            Assholes.

            Anyways, I'm walking down the hall and I get to the door.  Nobody has any idea what I'm doing now because I'm there.  And I'm not telling.  You have to figure it out with the little clues I give you.

            Don't you just hate how I use present tense instead of past tense?

            I KNOW you hate it!  That's why I'm doing it!  Just to piss you off!

            I'm still bored.

            So I'm there and I say "Hi." and she says "Hi."

            Then there's the awkward silence.

            So I sit and squish the cat and open the stupid notebook that falls apart and explodes on impact with the floor.

            Then I get out the other stupid notebook.  The spare notebook.  Yeah, I keep a spare notebook because they are wont to explode.

            I open it and start to read from it.

            That's when the cat attacks my face.

            Dammit.

            Once upon a freakin' time!

            Noah sat on the porch.

            He sat and sat and sat some more.

            Then he sat.

            Noah kept sitting on the porch.

            Noah was sitting on the porch.

            Noah was still sitting on the porch.

            Sitting on the porch was Noah.

            Porch the sitting on Noah was.

            On porch Noah the was sitting.

            Was on sitting the porch Noah.

            The Noah sitting porch on was.

            He sat some more.

            Guess what he was doing?

            He was SITTING!

            Then he got up.

            OH MY GOD!  HE'S STANDING UP!  IT'S A MIRACLE!!!

            He got up and took a shower.

            HOLY CRAP!!!

            Then he came out and sat on the porch.

            Ugh.

            So he sat and sat and sat some more.

            And sat.

            He was sitting so much that the sitting was becoming redundant.

            Then he obtained his guitar magically as he sat on the porch.

            WAAAAAHHHH!!!!

            He tuned it and began to lightly strum it while sitting on the porch.

            "When I was young I knew everything," he began to sing.

            Upon hearing his voice, all the manner of woodland creatures coalesced around him.

            Ahh, coalesced is too big of a word.

            Brain…hurts…

            The bunnies and deer and birds and raccoons and…bunnies all gathered around and started to sway to the music while smiling stupidly.

            "She a punk who rarely ever took advice," Noah continued.  "Now I'm guilt-stricken sobbin' with my head on the floor, stoppin' baby's breath and a shoe full of rice, now…"

            The animals whipped out their cigarette lighters and waved them in the air.

            "Can't be held responsible.  She was touchin' her face.  I won't be held responsible.  She fell in love in the first place.  For the life of me, I cannot remember, what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise.  For the life of me, I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins we were merely freshmen."

            Suddenly, he fiercely began to strike the pick through the strings and bang his head.

            "WE WERE MEANT TO LIVE FOR SO MUCH MORE!  HAVE WE LOST OURSELVES?  SOMEWHERE WE LIVE INSIIIIIDE!!!"

            The animals formed a mosh pit while a chipmunk took a dive off the railing to crowd surf.

            "WE WERE MEANT TO LIVE FOR SO—"

            "Heeeeey," came a voice from uh…somewhere.

            All the animals froze and scattered.

            Noah was sad.

            An old dude poked his head through the bush that magically appeared on the porch.

            "The kids tried to eat me again."

            "Who's fault is that?"

            "…Mine."

            "Look.  You scared away all my buddies.  We were having some bondage."

            "My bad.  Care if I join you?" the old dude asked, whipping out a kick-ass stereo system.

            Noah growled.

            "Dohhh…" the old dude groaned, stuffing the stereo system back into his pants and pulled out his lame-ass harmonica.

            "Dee."

            And so the two of them sat on the porch and played stupid music that retracted the animals some more.

            "Did I ever tell you about—"

            "Yes," the old dude said, annoyed.

            Oh yeah, they stopped playing music and were now smoking crack in the summer wind.

            "But—"

            "Shut up."

            They sat some more.

            And they sat some more.

            And they sat and sat and sat some more!

            Sitting.

            "Am I your best friend?" the old dude asked.

            "Uh…yes?"

            "That's pathetic."

            Noah was sad some more.

            A deer approached him and patted his arm in comfort.

            "You should get a wife, dammit.  You're like…old.  And you need a wife…dammit."

            "I know," said Noah, thinking about that girl he once knew and totally forgot about.

            Just kidding!

            "And you need to do someone.  I mean, you're OLD and you're still a virgin."

            "I'm not a virgin."

            "Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo."

            "Shut up."

            "I'm a virgin."

            "Talk about pathetic."

            The old dude was sad.

            The deer approached him and patted his arm in comfort.

            Then the old dude whipped out his rifle and shot it.

            "I think I'll be old and single for the rest.  Of.  My.  Life," Noah said.

            "Okay.  Sounds good to me.  Did you have dinner yet?"

            "I had air."

            "Well, come on over to my house.  We're having deer."

            Noah and the other dude stood up and walked down the porch, dragging the deer carcass behind them.

            Allie was hot.

            Not warm, but sexy.

            She was so dead sexy.

            And hot.

            Meow.

            So one day she was sitting at her breakfast table eating…food and her mom came up to her.

            Or was it her dad?

            Well, SOMEBODY came up to her and gave her an article from the newspaper.

            "Oh my God!" she gasped upon looking at it.

            "I know.  What a freak," her mom/dad said.

            "So why are you showing me this?"

            "I just wanted you to know how dangerous transsexuals are.  Just be glad your transsexual fiancé isn't a transsexual."

            Allie nodded.

            Lon was a lawyer.

            And he had a funny name.

            Ha ha.  Lon.

            Lon used to be a girl.  They called him Yolonda.

            Now they call him Lon for short.

            Lon.

            Allie was going to marry Lon in t minus three weeks.

            Dun dun dun!

            Sound familiar?  Hmmm?

            …

            You know.  Titanic?  The Wedding Singer?  Forces of Nature?  BIG FISH??!!!

            Yeah, well, you think about it.

            Allie turned the article over and gasped and choked and died.

            There on the back was…

            Was…

            Waaaaaaasssssss…

            The guy she once knew and loved and had sex with and then forgot about!

            Just kidding!

            He was in the obituaries for some reason.  He wasn't dead so maybe the editor accidentally put him there.

            It said:  "This is Noah.  He owns a house in New Bern.  Isn't he sexay?"

            And that was it.

            And it had his picture that looked completely candid because he was in mid-blink and his mouth was open like he was saying "Hey, get that camera out of my face!" with his hand up trying to cover the lens.

            Underneath his obituary was a picture of another dude.

            It read: "This is the camera man who took the picture of the dude above.  He was killed by the dude in the picture above.  He obviously pissed him off.  A lot.  Isn't that sad?"

            Allie set the article down and decided to shower.

            All the men reading immediately headed to their bathrooms while all the women skipped the description of Allie's sexy body.

            The author of this cruel parody was 99.99999999% heterosexual and decided not to describe her sexy body.  Instead she began to have an insightful conversation with her muse that wasn't too far off topic from the story.

            "I hate Ryan Gosling," he snarled.  "He made me look old in Stay."

            "Get over it."

            "But I'm NOT old!  I'm only 33!"

            "Isn't Naomi Watts 37 or something?"

            He paused to think about it.

            "Eh heh heh."

            "See?"

            "I hate Lenny Kravitz."

            "So do I."

            "You know who else I hate?"

            "Who?"

            "Jack Valenti."

            "Eh.  I don't HATE him."

            "And I hate Michael Moore and Nick Carter and Adam Sandler and Gene Hackman and Chris Farley and Peter Jackson and Heath Ledger and Tina Fey and Jack Nicholson and Reese Witherspoon and Leonardo Dicaprio and Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore and Tom Green and Tom Cruise and Tom Wilkinson and Tom Berenger and Tom Hanks and Carson Daley and Ryan Philippe and Jennifer Aniston and Prince William and Liv Tyler and Bruce Willis and Mel Brooks and Julia Roberts and Marilyn Monroe and Paul Walker and Nicholas Cage and Ozzy Osborne and Freddie Prinze Junior and Drew Barrymore and Vanessa Carlton and Dana Carvey and Steve Martin and Mike Myers and Edward Norton and Richard Simmons!"

            "Do you like ANYBODY?"

            "I like…uh, no."

            "Not even your wife?"

            "I have a wife?"

            "Yeah…"

            "Oh, well, I guess I like her."

            "And your daughters?"

            "Sure."

            "And you like Jude, right?"

            "Jude?  Hell no."

            "I thought he was your best friend."

            "He is.  That doesn't mean I have to like him."

            "You're just a hateful person, aren't you?"

            "………Yes."

            When the two were done conversing, Allie had already taken her bath and shaved her sexy legs and stewed over how hot she was and was fully clothed.

            All the men groaned while the women cheered and praised GollumRox for being so het.

            Anyways, Allie put on her sexy blue dress and left the house.

            Where was she going?  Dun dun dun!

            Heh.

            Guess what Noah was doing.

            You'll never guess!

            Come on, take a stab at it!

            If you guessed he was sitting on the porch…

            You…

            Are…

            …

            WRONG!

            No, he was actually STANDING on the porch!

            BUAH HA HA!!!

            Ha.

            So anyways, Noah was standing on the porch doing uh…something that requires standing when a car pulled up.

            "Ahh!  It's the feds!" he squealed and bolted for the door.

            Unfortunately, he forgot the door was closed and smacked into it.

            "Ow," he observed.

            The car stopped its engine and a girl stepped out.

            But it wasn't just ANY girl…

            It was…

            "ALLIE!!!" Noah squealed before he fell into a bottomless pit he dug in case the old guy came back.

            "NO…where'd you go?"

            "Heeeeeeelp…"

            After Allie pulled Noah out of the bottomless pit, which actually DID have a bottom but it was very deep down since Noah was too lazy to dig all the way to China, they stood there and stared at each other.

            Wow, how they had changed!

            Not really, but…yeah.

            "Hi," Allie said breaking the scilence.

            "Hi," Noah responded and then looked down at the shattered scilence.  "You broke my scilence."

            "Sorry."

            "That's okay.  I'll just buy a new one."

            They flung their arms around each other and skipped into the house.

            Sexy.

            TO BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            Eggs.

            CONTINUED!!!

            Mmm, scrambled.

            This was awkward.

            First Allie and Noah just sat in their couches drinking their tea and said nothing.

            It was so exciting.

            In fact, it was SO exciting that Noah actually cleared his throat during the awkwardness.

            "Sooo…you look…nice."

            "Yeah."

            They sat some more.

            In the distance, an owl hooted.

            "You look nice too."

            "Oh, thanks."

            An hour passed and the two just sat there not doing anything.

            "Wanna go for a walk?"

            Noah's dog had a cardiac arrest and died but they didn't seem to notice.

            "Okay."

            So they were walking and not saying anything.

            Too…awkward…

            To spice up the boringness, GollumRox threw in some interesting things for them to do.

            "How have you been?" asked Noah who narrowly missed being attacked by a giant panda before it imploded into little dancing fairies who eventually dissolved.

            "Oh, okay I guess," responded Allie after she opened her mouth and a huge bird climbed out and flew off.  "How about you?"

            Noah didn't answer right away; he was too transfixed as he watched two seagulls humping each other.

            "Fine."

            "I'm engaged," Allie bust out randomly.

            A cloud formed the shape of an Italian guy's face and started to sing before a meteor crashed into it and caused it to explode into bubbles.

            "To who?" Noah asked over the loud noises of the giant cane toad singing karaoke.

            "Do you really want to huuuuurrrrrt meeeeeee," it sang.

            The audience consisted of mice and inanimate pumpkins booed and threw rotten cabbage at it until it spontaneously combusted.

            "To Lon."

            A tree collapsed and killed Noah on impact but the magical lava lamp of spiffiness revived him in a matter of seconds.

            "What a funny name."

            "I can't marry him, though," she said before she tripped and fell into a bear trap that sliced her in half.  "He's a transsexual," said her left half.

            "And Mom and Dad said not to marry transsexuals," said her right half.

            "So just marry me!" Noah suggested, sprouting spiffy wings and flying around in the sky for a bit before lightning struck him and he crash landed into a hornets nest where he was then chased by the bees until he jumped into the lake.  Unfortunately, he forgot the lake was filled with man-eating sharks and was instantly ripped apart and devoured.

            One of the fairies sewed Allie back together before it quickly dissolved.

            Allie walked over to the lake and looked down into the bloody water where scraps of Noah floated about.

            "Are you silly?  I'm already engaged to Lon.  If I marry you, that would be betraying everyone I love."

            A huge clock fell from the sky and turned its hands backwards.  During this, time began to quickly rewind until Noah and Allie were back on the path.

            "And Mom and Dad said not to marry transsexuals," said her right half.

            "So just marry me!" Noah suggested, sprouting spiffy wings a—

            Allie's left half reached up and ripped off the wings and threw them on the ground where a family of squirrels attacked them and dragged them off to their nest.

            Noah was sad.

            As the fairy sewed Allie back together, she said, "I can't marry you.  That would be betraying everyone I love.  I have to marry Lon, transsexual or not."

            "Well, that sucks," he said as he stirred the fondue pot.  "Cheese?" he offered holding a stick out to her.

            Allie grinned and shattered an adjacent mirror.

            Together they sat over the fondue pot and ate fondue like good fondue eaters.

            Yey.

            Then there was Lon.

            Lon was…not sexy.

            He was actually quite hideous.

            But he was a lawyer!

            …Yeah.

            Lon the lawyer.  It sounds like a children's book!

            Lon was paranoid about Allie.

            He was hers, dammit!  Nobody else would have her!

            So during the case in which Yakky Doodle the little green duck wanted his name changed, Lon kept fidgeting and looking at the clock, waiting to escape the courtroom and check up on his bitch.

            "Wasdahnaiweha edoienraidf eifhagnfmvxzciu azpeoiugakoocyhiehg awlignasliehgjughjberger," Yakky Doodle garbled incoherently.

            The judge only nodded and pretended to understand him.

            Lon looked at his Mickey Mouse watch again.

            "Mickey Mouse does not tell time!" the Gypsy lady from Edwards Cinemas once told GollumRox.  But she proved her wrong with Lon's magical watch!

            Lon pressed the button on the watch.

            Mickey Mouse suddenly became animate and grinned at Lon, who squealed in delight.

            "The time is 5:13!  Have a Zippidy Doo Dah Day!  Ha ha!" Mickey chirped before he became a lame plastic drawing again.

            "Uwomoishpaksh weoibnlsalalwoiwumbink deesheowkaokbmliechtenstein," Yakky Doodle continued.

            Lon raised his hand.

            "In a minute," the judge told him, pretending to pay attention to the duck.

            "But I really need to gooooooooooooo…" Lon whined like a little guuuuurl.

            "In a MINUTE."

            "I need to go now…"

            "That's what recess was for!"

            "I NEED TO GO NOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!" he screamed and threw himself to the floor where he then threw a tantrum and pounded and kicked everything.

            "Fine, court adjourned," the judge droned.

            "Baoyweoid—" objected Yakky before the judge whipped out a boomstick and shot him, sending green feathers flying every which way.

            Lon packed up his brief case complete with teddy bears and other stuff lawyers don't usually carry around and leaped out the window and whipped out a parasail, making a very James Bond getaway.

            That is until a swinging wrecking ball hit him.

            "Crabs?" Noah asked Allie as they walked down the forest some more.

            "I BEG your pardon?!" Allie demanded.  How the hell did he know?

            "Do you want some crabs?" Noah asked, pointing to the dock where a kick line of crabs was hanging out.

            "Oh we are the crabs, dananananana!  We're good for eating dananananana!" they sang, kicking their several legs up in the air.

            Allie blinked and blushed and blossomed and blistered and…bluppied.

            "Oh, uh, sure…" she responded sheepishly.

            "Okay.  Sit!"

            Allie flopped down onto a log, squishing a raccoon.

            "Stay!" Noah commanded tossing her a treat before making his way up to the dock.

            "We got hard shells, dana—oh shit!" cried the crabs right before Noah pounced on them and trapped them in a cage.

            Allie watched lovingly.

            She watched his sexy muscles flex through his sexy shirt and his sexy hair flop about ever so sexily.

            "GET IN HERE, DAMMIT!!!" he screamed to the crabs as he dove for a few who were trying to escape.

            They turned and pinched him in the nose.

            "GAAHH!!!" he yelled before falling backwards into the water where the crabs then pounced on his body and commenced to beat the crap out of him.

            Allie sighed and little cartoony hearts floated above her head.

            He was so dreamy.

            And so, like a cheesy movie, we are left with an aerial shot of the forest punctuated by redundant and otherwise crappy romantic music.

            Then,

            "AHH!  GOD DAMMIT!!!

            The author was extremely tired of the awkwardness between Allie and Noah whenever they were together, but she also ran out of random things to toss in so we shall just cut to the after dinner romantic bon voyage…doo.

            Noah closed the car door.

            "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

            "Oh, sorry about that," Noah apologized as he bent over to pick up Allie's severed fingers.  He handed them to her.  "Just put those on some ice…"

            Allie nodded and stared at him.

            Noah stared back.

            They were staring at each other.

            It was nice.

            "Do you wanna come over tomorrow?" Noah asked.

            "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…sure."

            "Sexy!"

            "I'll come by at noon."

            "Noooooooon."

            "So, uh, bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "Bye."

            "I love you."

            "Bye."

            Allie accidentally shifted the car in reverse and floored the gas, sending her flying backwards into a ditch.

            Noah watched lovingly.

            "She is so graceful even when she gets in a wreck," he sighed.

            "Hel—"  The airbag suddenly inflated and cut off Allie's cry for help.

            Noah sighed again and headed back to the house where he jerked off in the bathroom for two hours and then, YOU GUESSED IT, sat on the porch and cried like a little girl.

            All the while Allie was trying to get out of her car and call an ambulance.

            Lon kicked down the door to Allie's house.

            "AAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" he screeched into the vacant house.

            A coyote howled in response and a tumbleweed rolled across the floor.

            Lon let his arms drop to his side and noticed something taped to the door.

            It was a piece of paper.

            Lon took it off and read it.

            "Lon.  Went to New Bern.  Don't ask why because I'm shopping.  Yeah, that's it.  Shopping.  I'm shopping for, uh…back to school supplies.  So don't worry about me and get back to work.  You're such a nervous wreck.  Love, Allie.  PS, Zip up your fly."

            Lon sighed and crumpled up the note.

            He then looked down and, lo and behold, his fly was open.

            "Wait a minute!" he suddenly said to himself.  "Why would she be shopping for back to school supplies…if it's only April?!"

            He thoughtfully rubbed his chin like the pensive lawyer that he wasn't.

            "I better go check up on her," he decided, whipping a scooter out from behind his back and rolling off.

            Unfortunately, he had forgotten to zip up his fly and got many a disgusted outburst from passersby.

            Noah woke up at dawn and stared at the sunrise, completely forgetting that looking directly at the sun can cause permanent eye damage.

            Fortunately, it didn't counter for him so he just got changed into some more sexy clothes to impress Allie and headed for the garage where he stored his kayak/rowboat/canoe/whatever the hell kind of boat it was.

            He whistled while he walked down to the lake, passing Allie's demolished car.

            "Noah…Noah, help me…" Allie wheezed as she attempted to crawl out of the car.  "Please he—"

            A hungry groundhog grabbed Allie's leg and pulled her back into the car.

            Noah reached the lake and put his…boat in.

            He then jumped in and went rowing for a while.

            Why he did this, he wasn't quite sure.

            It was 11:59 by the time he got back to his house when he noticed Allie's mutilated car crushed into a ditch.

            Allie was halfway out the driver's side window with several groundhog bite marks on her legs.

            "Hey, you're right on time!" Noah said.

            Allie snarled and lunged at him.

            About an hour later, Noah had managed to get Allie into his boat and send themselves rowing down the lake.

            On the way, they noticed all the geese and ducks and swans and alligators that surrounded them in the water.

            Allie shuddered.

            "I feel like this is a sting operation and all these birds are closing in on me."

            Noah didn't answer; he was staring at her boobs.

            Allie gulped and looked at a goose who grinned, displaying a gold tooth and lifted its eyebrows knowingly.

            "I don't feel comfortable here…"

            "Huh?"

            Suddenly, there was a boom of thunder.

            "Uh oh!  I think it's going to storm!"

            "Oh, yeah…uh, okay."

            Noah turned the boat around, smacking the oars against the birds, decapitating some.

            The birds didn't put up with that behavior and finally attacked Allie and Noah.

            By the time the two reached the house, they were half devoured by the birds.

            Not to mention the rain was now in a downpour.

            "Rain is sexy," Allie managed to say.

            Noah agreed.

            He didn't have too much time to agree, however, because the birds were in close pursuit, carrying torches and pitchforks and yelling profanity at the two lovers.

            Noah grabbed Allie's arm and dragged her inside the house and quickly shut the door.

            The furious birds crowded the windows and beat their beaks and wings against the glass until Noah's dog, who was supposedly dead, attacked and killed them all before she died again.

            Hillary Duff walked down the street singing some stupid song she didn't write.

            Suddenly a huge asteroid came crashing down and smashed into the person next to her creating a giant crater.

            "Like, wow!" she giggled stupidly.  "I'm, like, sure glad that wasn't me!"

            Soon after she said that, however, the Hubble Space Telescope smashed her into tiny bite sized pieces.

            Several caterpillars rushed to the remains and danced around them, chanting the caterpillar song.

            Jeremy grinned.

            "Thanks," he told the author.

            "Yeah," she responded.  "Though I wouldn't have minded killing those damn Olsen twins."

            "I wouldn't mind killing…"  Ewan thought a bit before pulling out his 38 page hitlist.  "Owen Wilson, Tim Robbins, Orlando Bl—"

            Jeremy poked him with a cattle prod, sending him collapsing to the floor.

            "Hey, give me that," GollumRox said, snatching the cattle prod away from her brother.  "I'll use this from now on."

            "K-k-k-k-k-k-kaaaaay…" Ewan twitched, fizzling with static.

            "You're different," Allie said randomly.

            "How so?" Noah asked.

            "Well, your hair is blonde instead of black, you shaved your sinister mustache and grew a beard, you got rid of your horn rimmed glasses and you lost 70 pounds.  Oh, wait—I'm thinking of someone else."

            "Well, YOU'RE different."

            "Really?  How?"

            "You're, uh, taller."

            They sat in silence together, just sitting and staring.  Sitting and staring.  Sitting and staring.

            Sitting.

            And staring.

            Noah sipped his tea.

            And they sat and stared some more.

            "LET'S MAKE LOVE!!!" Allie screamed like a horny goat and lunged at Noah.

            And so, during the sexy storm, Allie and Noah got it onnnn just like old times.

            An entire fleet of woodland creatures were gathered around the window watching and eating popcorn.

            They reached the climax in which Allie screamed "OHHHH!!!  NAUGHTY!!!  TOASTER!!!  YEEESSS!!!" and they both lay on the floor exhausted and out of breath.

            The audience of animals outside applauded.

            "That was fun," Allie said.

            Noah grinned.

            "Let's do it again."

            "Okay."

            So they did.

            Then they stopped.

            Then they started again.

            Then they stopped and started again.

            They did this repeatedly all frickin' night until they both fell asleep.

            This became so redundant that the animals got bored and wandered off.

            The next morning, they woke up and did it again.

            Then they had breakfast.

            Then they did it again.

            And again.

            And again and again and again and again.

            And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again…

            You think they'd get sick and tired of doing it but no.

            And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and one more time.

            Allie had to pee so Noah waited until she got back and they screwed seventeen more times until they heard a knock on the door.

            "I want a pickle," Noah muttered for no reason.

            "Door."

            "Yes.  Door."

            Noah jumped into his pants and knocked over a prized porcelain poodle.

            Upon opening the door, he gasped and Allie gasped and the animals around them gasped and the owl on the railing gasped and Phil Winston, Noah's official stalker, gasped and the door gasped and the house gasped and the trees gasped and the caterpillar gasped.

            "Hello, Jesus," said the beautiful hot gorgeous sexy babe on the porch.

            "Oh my God!" he cried.  "And my name's not Jesus.  It's Noah."

            Allie appeared behind Noah.

            "Hunny, do you have any bath beads?  DAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  MOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!"

            "That's right, Allison!  It is meeeee.  I caught you red-handed!  You busted, girlfriend!"

            Noah began whistling innocently, slipped back into the house and slammed the door leaving Allie and her mom alone.

            Wait, they were inside, huh?

            Poof!

            Noah began whistling innocently, slipped into the other room and slammed the door leaving Allie and her mom alone…in the room…ya know?  Not outside.

            Spiff.

            Y.

            "Well, you two-timing tramp, what do you have to say for yourself?" her mom asked.

            "Um…want a biscuit?" Allie offered, grabbing a plate of them that magically appeared next to her.

            "I thought you loved Lon the lawyer."

            "I do…but I don't."

            "Oh.  Well, that makes sense."

            She pulled a duffle bag out of her bra, unzipped it and turned it upside-down to dump the contents out.

            A huge mulhonkin' stack of letters fell out.

            It was SO huge and mulhonkin', it broke and crushed the table upon impact.

            "Do the Right Thing…" her mom said.

            Allie looked at her with mixed expressions.

            "Oh, M—"

            "…is a good movie," she finished.  "Just check out all those hopeless letters from a hopeless romantic hopelessly written to a hopeless recipient.  What a loser.  Just marry Lon, Allie.  You won't regret it."

            "Maybe I will."

            "Maybe you won't."

            "But maybe I WILL."

            "JUST DO IT, DAMMIT!!!"

            "Okay."

            The door to the room broke off its hinges and came crashing to the floor with Noah on top.  Apparently, he'd been eavesdropping by pressing his ear to the door.

            "Uh…sorry," he said sheepishly.

            Baa.  Sheep.

            "That's okay, Moses.  I was just on my way out."

            "My name's Noah."

            "Will you see me to the door because I'm just so used to it?"

            "I—"

            "That's a good Isaiah.  Come along now."

            "It's Noah."

            "Okay."

            She strutted out of the room and Noah's eye twitched.

            "Your mom blows."

            "Sorry."

            "I bet my mom could beat her up."

            "Noah, your mother's dead."

            "Exactly my point.  A corpse could kick her ass."

            "Jonah, are you coming?" Allie's mom called from the next room.

            "NOAH!  It's NOAH!" he shouted back, leaving the room.

            Allie looked at the mulhonkin' stack of letters that smashed the table.

            Damn, that was a lot of letters.

            It felt nice.

            Noah came back.

            "Did I mention your mom blows?"

            "Did I mention that I was sorry?"

            "Are you leaving?"

            "Do you want me to?"

            "Why would I want you to leave?"

            "Are you saying I have a purpose here?"

            "Did you know that you kinda DO have a purpose here?"

            "Do you love me or something?"

            "Isn't it obvious?"

            "What kind of question is that?"

            "What do you mean?"

            "Did you notice we're talking in questions?"

            "Is this a problem to you?"

            "Yes."

            "Hey!"

            "It got boring.  And I was running out of questions to ask."

            "So you're just gonna leave.  That's real great.  You only came to do me and then you go home to Lon mower."

            "That's not fair!"

            "For once in your life, have you ever made a decision for yourself and not anyone else?"

            "Yes I did!  One time I had to decide if whether I wanted a paper bag or a plastic bag!  And you know what?  I chose plastic because it had handles!"

            "THAT DOESN'T COUNT!!!  I'm talking about big decisions like where you'd live or go to college.  Or who you wanted to add to your hit list.  Not 'Ohh hoo hoo, should I get paper or plastic?'  DERR!!!"

            "You know what?  I am SICK of your crap!"

            "I'm sick of YOU!"

            "I'm sick of you too!"

            "Good!"

            "Good!"

            "Fine!"

            "Fine!"

            "Fine!"

            "Fine!"

            "Fine!"

            "Fine!"

            "Fine!"

            "Fine!"

            "Let's make love!"

            "It's too late for that!"

            "Fine!"

            "Fine!"

            "Fine!"

            "Fine!"

            "Fine!"

            Allie grabbed her letters, which were surprisingly lighter than she anticipated and strutted out of the room.

            Noah followed her, pelting her with rotten fruit.

            "Go on, get out of here!  I never wanted you here anyways!  You're a lousy sex partner and you just scarred me for life!  I hope you and your stupid shemale fiancé die and rot in hell!"

            Allie jumped into her car, which was still in the ditch, and drove off.

            How she got out, she'll never know.

            Noah just stood on the driveway, throwing the fruit at the retreating car.

            "Go!  I don't need you!  I can get by on my own!  Go on and leave!  Go back to your it!  FUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!"

            He threw his last piece of rotten fruit at the empty road and stood for a while.

            He stood and stood.

            He kept standing.

            Standing, standing, standing.

            He was standing as he stood.

            Stand, stand, stand, stand, stand, stand, stand.

            Standy McStanderson.

            Yup.  He sure was standing.

            Much like Ben Stiller in There's Something About Mary, Allie was blubbering at the wheel of her car rather loudly as she drove down the street.

            She drove up the sidewalk and through the grass into the parking lot of her hotel.

            She pulled a letter out of the stack and read it.

            It said:

            "Hi.  One time I blinked and my eyes were gone.  Isn't that sad?  Yeah.  Bye."

            She took another one and read it.

            "Hi.  I love you.  I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you, lovah, lovah, lovah, lovah, lovah, lovah, lovah, lovah, lovah, lovah, lovah, lovah, lo—"

            Allie got bored of that one and pulled out another one.

            "Donuts are a cop's best friend."

            She grabbed another one and read it.

            "Hey, man.  Why aren't you writing?  Get your ass to that table and write a frickin' letter, dammit!  Cheesy fingers, mmmm!"

            And another.

            "I hate this song.  It gives me gas."

            And another.

            "You're still not writing me.  You make me sad."

            And another.

            "I saw Chicago today even though it won't get made in another 54 years.  Weird."

            And another.

            "Do you know the cat?"

            And another.

            "The cat?"

            And another.

            "The cat."

            And another.

            "Do you know the cat?"

            And another.

            "Well, I do, ya fucking loser!"

            And another.

            "Okay, you know what?  You're not responding to anything so I'm just gonna stop.  I'm running out of things to say, not to mention stamps.  These stamps cost more than what I make a week.  Daaaamn yoooou!  Just kidding.  Bye."

            Allie sighed and put on a new face since the one she had was all contorted and stuff.

            "Well, here goes nothing."

            And so she sat some more and allowed nothing to go.

            "The end," I say.

            The lady blinks.

            "What the hell ending was that?  We don't even know what happens!"

            "Yes you do."

            "Dude, no I don't."

            "Yeah, you do.  You just don't remember."

            "Listen to me.  It ends when she's in the parking lot.  We're not sure if she goes with the heshe or the good guy.  It's ambiguous!  Is there any more?"

            "Nope.  That's it."

            "WHAT A TRASH NOVEL!!!"

            "Let's go for a walk."

            "Okay."

            The lady who shall remain anonymous and I walk through the little path and do some old people stuff.

            "Do YOU know who she goes with?"

            "Yup."

            "Who?"

            "Not telling."

            "DAMMIT!  TELL ME!!!"

            "No."

            "Jeez."

            "You know the ending."

            "Why do I know the ending?"

            "Because you're the main character."

            "…No I'm not."

            "Yes you are.  And I'm the other main character."

            "Really?"

            "Yup."

            "Liar."

            "Dohhh…"

            At dinner, we eat and stuff.  Yey.

            "So are you EVER going to tell me what happens, Noah?"

            I drop my fork and kill the cat.

            "You remembered my name!"

            "…Ooo!"

            "Do you remember your name?"

            "Uhhh…"

            "I'll give you a hint.  It starts with an 'Al' and ends with a 'lie'."

            "Ooo, ooo, um, Almantrixilie?"

            I stare at her hopelessly.

            "…Did I get it right?"

            "It's Allie."

            "Oh.  OHHHHHHHH!  I'm Allie!  I get it!"

            "That's what I tried to tell you."

            "Sorry."

            We sit in silence before she lunges at me and we make out furiously, which is really disgusting for two old people.

            Then she stops and stares at me.

            "Who the hell are you?"

            "Wait—"

            "Why are you making out with me?"

            "No!  Not yet!"

            "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!!"

            "Just calm down!"

            Allie whips out her pepper spray and gets me in the eyes.

            "DAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!" I scream as I collapse into a fetal position on the floor and begin to twitch in pain.

            "HELP!  I'M BEING RAPED BY SOME OLD GUY!!!"

            The nurses flock in and try to calm her down.

            "It's okay, Allie.  Just relax."

            "THE MIDGETS!!!  THE MIDGETS!!!  THEY'RE STARING AT MEEEEEEEEE!!!"

            One nurse grabs a taser from her pocket and zaps Allie until she falls to the floor.

            "Nice try, Noah.  Better luck next time," one of them says to my twitching body before leaving.

            "Thank…you…"

            The next day I have a stroke and almost die.

            But who cares?!  That has nothing to do with the story!  The plot is only meandering.

            Anyways.

            I walk down the hall to Allie's room and enter.

            I stare down at her for a long time.

            An owl hoots.

            "Shut up, stupid owl," I snarl at it.

            "Ohhh…" the dejected owl groans and flies off.

            Allie wakes up and sees me.

            "Hey, Noah.  What up, G?"

            "Not much…H."

            Then we have hot old people sex which is too graphic to put in writing.

            GollumRox threw up and Ewan applauded while Jeremy danced around the smashed Hubble Space Telescope, pointing and laughing at the crushed corpse of Hilary Duff beneath it.

The **&%§$#** End!

No sequel

Be gentle in those reviews. 


End file.
